Context: I’m in a writing group with another McNair scholar and a professor. We meet weekly.
I wanted to take a moment and write some of my thoughts down as it concerns this writing group. I’m glad that we’re doing this, however, presently, I find myself a bit anxious…nervous? Not sure why, but I’m feeling some type of way about it. I think some of the nerves are coming from the fact that I’ve recently recognized my work, my research, as something that I’m serious about and have a great deal of pride in. Knowing this adds some pressure to me as I move through my research.
Trying to remember that I’m a “junior scholar” and that I’m still learning. But I also know that as a Black queer woman “junior scholar” there seems to be very little room for error. It’s not often a message that I get out right, but is part of the hidden hegemonic (hardly talked about) institutional agenda that’s always working against me. Audre [Our] Lorde was right when she wrote that “we’re living in Dragon’s mouth.”
And I’ve been so conditioned to live this way that I wonder — will I know what it’s like to be free? Will I know it in my lifetime? Am I free, now?